1. George Bush
Come on, you knew he would make the top of the list. And not just because he is half-man half-monkey. He is single-handedly responsible for destroying the image of all that is good and free in this world. For generations folks all over the world will hate America solely because of him. Hitler was popular compared to Bush. First we beat them in Beerfest, and then we beat them in evil dictators. Take that, Germany.
2. Paris Hilton
If ever there was a person in this world that should be labeled as “useless”, she’s the one. I don’t see why old stick-butt is worried about going to jail, it’s not like she has to be at work. Ah, there is a novelty; Paris Hilton and work mentioned in the same paragraph. Don’t get used to it because it will never, ever, ever happen again.
3. Tom Cruise
Shouldn’t he be old already? Why is he still running around like a twenty year old telemarketer on crack? He seems like he would be more at home doing infomercials than putting out crap-fests such as MI:3. Is that a predication? Nope. It is an inevitability. Chuck Norris may have some competition soon…
4. Sylvia Brown
The last thing we need is an aged fat woman lying to folks about their dead family members and getting rich doing it. Dead people do not talk to anyone… because they are dead. That is not just me making things up; it’s a pretty widely accepted scientific fact. Almost as wide as her fat ass. I’m sure Montel Williams could tell you that, he seems to be up it every other week on his show.
5. Steve Jobs
We don’t really need Macs; we have the PC. We also don’t need some asshole that puts “i” at the beginning of every word and tries to pass that gay shit off as cool. He is currently trying to create some sort of army of what he likes to call “Mac Geniuses” to help him take over the world. I’ll bet they eat tofu and drive around in Volkswagen Bugs. If I ever see any of these fools, I’m going to punch them in the face in the name of all that is PC.
6. Osama Bin Laden
I’m sure his parents are extra proud of him. All that time spent learning how to use religion to get folks to kill each other really paid off. He also does a nice job getting other people to commit his murders for him. He is almost like the Arab version of Charles Manson, just not as cool.
Note: he is really skinny because he doesn’t eat bacon. Never trust a man who doesn’t eat bacon.
7. Tom from MySpace
He has created a monster and if there is any justice in this universe, he will burn in whatever passes for a hell in whomever’s idea of the afterlife turns out to be correct. “Hey, I know, I’ll create a website where it takes exactly no knowledge of computers to create a webpage and let little girls whore themselves out to old pedophiles while posting gay ass surveys and pictures that don’t make them look so fat.” What a great fucking idea… ass.
8. The entire Middle East
Sure, it’s true this is more than one person. I don’t care; the entire region is being lumped together for this list. If it was blown off the map tomorrow a full half of all the wars, death, and assholes would disappear from the earth. I often wonder how a civilization that has been on this planet longer than anyone else never learned the simple task of getting along.
9. Zero
Yeah, sure. But without me, who is going to write all these brilliant, Pulitzer-worthy top 9 lists? Some other guy without a girlfriend probably…