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My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."
Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers.
A young woman really thought she`d been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I`ll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What`s yours?" "I`ll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I`ll have a beer," The ostrich says "I`ll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it`s close to last orders, so I`ll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can`t hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That`s brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That`s right! Whether it`s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That`s fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what`s with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That`s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I`ll try to send her a few bucks myself."
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," was his reply. She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. - If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. - If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. - If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. - If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. - If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. - If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. - If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob. - If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. - If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
