Upgrade your browser!
Skip to Content
Sign-In
Community
Exp Leader Board
Don't have an account? Create one and start earning XP!
Video:
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my God!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why Is He doing that?" The doctor leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you had were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture". "Oh well, in that case, I guess it is OK," commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again the woman screamed, "Oh My GOD! How can that be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same disorder, better health plan."
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives" Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can`t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I`m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn`t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states." After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park. The witness: They were fucking your honor The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way: The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear/ Until tiny sounds came to my ear/ There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: See you next month
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says "is that you Matthew?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks "Was it Brenda O`Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O`Leary`s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman`s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
3 parrots for sale. 100, 200 and 15 pound. A woman asks why is that parrot so cheap? the shopkeeper replies because it used to live in a brothel the woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says fuck me a new brothel the woman laughs. 2 daughters come home,parrot says fuck me new prossies the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says fuck me Mike i havent seen u for weeks!
Zeus, the Greek god, flying over ancient Greece spotted a gorgeous naked woman, washing by a lake. He went & made love to her. Then he told her, In 9 months you will have a child & you will call him Hercules. She smiled & replied, In 9 days you will have a rash & you will call it Herpes! now fuck off!
