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I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what`s happening?" To which I replied, "Buzz off Gates, I`m in a meeting."
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. - If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. - If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. - If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. - If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. - If they don`t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. - If they try to tell you it`s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. - If they`ve left early, put them in Sales. - And if they`re all bullying each other, they`re Management material.
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays. - When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" - The longer the title, the less important the job. - Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. - An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. - Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. - All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one`s own. - Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise: • jumping to conclusions, • flying off the handle, • beating around the bush, • running down the boss, • going around in circles, • dragging their feet, • dodging responsibility, • passing the buck, • climbing the ladder, • wading through paperwork, • pulling strings, • throwing their weight around, • stretching the truth, • bending the rules, And pushing their luck!
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time." 7. "I wasn`t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken." 2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 1. " ... in God`s name, Amen."
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. - If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. - Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity - A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. - Plagiarism saves time. - If at first you don't succeed, try management. - Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. - TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, it must be warned to you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, this will suck. Car Test: Forget the Roler, it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in. Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside. Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer. Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor. Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night. Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more sing these until 4am then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this. Physical Test(for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask teh shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever. Physical Test(for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while. Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage. Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including paitence, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers. If you complete the course, well done. Not pleasant, is it? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby. Adios.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.