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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. `My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.` The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. `My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.` Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. `My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.` With that the wolf jumps up and screams, `Will you knock it off, I`m trying to take a shit!`
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don`t remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn`t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We`re not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn`t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I`m here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company`s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn`t taste like alcohol at all. He didn`t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,`Leave me alone, I`m married!`"
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn`t want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here`s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here`s the $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That`s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there`s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. "That`s impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you`d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don`t kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was `W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?`"
A four year old little boy was at the doctor`s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It`s a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next… And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then why did you eat him?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant`s arm to one year`s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer`s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn`t believe what she`s had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny`s father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny`s father explained, "Actually, I`m a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, `Take what you want.`" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn`t have fit."