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Video:
you can't say sh*t today. that's the f*cking problem.
in the united states, we have sensational cuss words -- slang dictionaries full of them -- but most of us are too fearful to use them. as psychologist dr. herman fugmunker noted, "it's dangerous to say '&*@# off' to a truck driver. five days in intensive care convinced me of that."
but help is on the way. fugmunker did extensive research for his latest book, cuss your head off, and came up with six new curse words it's o.k. to shout from the rooftops, because no one has ever heard them before. they're nasty, vile and disgusting. learn 'em and use 'em. you'll let off steam and that @#$%head you're cussing out won't know what the &*@# you're talking about.
the six new curse words are pfnark, snog, kuq, chuz, jizzlewax and zighumple. they can be used alone or combined (to form compound curses); when you're mad or when you're happy; as adjectives, verbs, nouns and, especially, interjections. pfnarkin' a!
speaking of the word "pfnark," fugmunker traces its derivation to the sleepy coal-mining town of winsley, wyo., where dalwood comstock fell down a murky shaft and screamed, "holy pfnark! somebody help me!"
comstock was probably trying to say "holy &*@#," but due to his speech impediment and a mouthful of coal, it came out "pfnark."
fugmunker gives examples of how the word can be used. "pfnark off, pigeon head!" "go pfnark yourself!" and, "you're a pfnarkin' loser!"
the next word in fugmunker's book is "snog," which sounds a mite dirty because it resembles "smog."
changing the "m" to an "n" makes all the difference in the world, according to fugmunker. "if you scold someone in an irritated voice by saying, 'don't be such a snog!' the individual will cringe with embarrassment, for no one wants to be called a 'snog.' it sounds disgusting."
colorful variations of the word include "snogpuss," "snog off" and "snoggle," as in "snoggle this, you bastard!" and if you want to hit someone with a double whammy, you can say, "snoggle this, you pfnarkin' bastard!" of course, most people understand the word "bastard," so be prepared to put up your dukes or run like hell. and if you choose the latter, you can always get the last word in by shouting, "kiss my pfnarkin' snog!"
"kuq" (pronounced kook) was first heard by fugmunker in a sleazy el paso, texas, bar. "this drunken cowboy walked in and said, 'what lily-livered kuq stole my woman?' when no one responded, the cowboy added, 'well, whoever it was, i want to thank you, 'cause she was an obnoxious chuz.' " this brings us to the next word: chuz. it can be used to describe a man or a woman, and it's quite unflattering. "picture a bowl of clumped kitty litter, chunky spoiled milk and rotten chopped liver, and that's what 'chuz' looks like," fugmunker explained. "so to call someone a 'chuzzbucket' or a 'chuzball' is the ultimate insult."
the penultimate word on the list is "jizzlewax." it conveys utter angst, as in "i'm totally jizzlewaxed. i'd squash my head in a vice if i had one!" it's another way of saying, "i'm totally &*@#ed up," without getting your mouth washed out with soap.
last on the list, is "zighumple," which actually is more fun to do than to say, because when you're "getting a zighumple," you're partying, baby.
i'll stick to swear words that offend.
source
Video:
have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? here are the testimonials of a few women who did...
first testimony:
i walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "how much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" i turned around and walked back out and never went back. my husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
second testimony:
i was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. i was unhappy with the women's type i had been using. after browsing for several minutes, i was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. he asked if he could help me. without thinking, i looked at him and said, "i think i like playing with men's balls."
third testimony:
my sister and i were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. as we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
i replied, "no, i'm just looking at your nuts." my sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and i turned beet-red and walked away. to this day, my sister has never let me forget.
fourth testimony:
while in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amuck. i was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. i told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. to my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "if you don't let me go right now, i will tell grandma that i saw you kissing daddy's pee-pee last night!" the silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. even the tellers stopped what they were doing. i mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. the last thing i heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
fifth testimony:
have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? my three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and i was on him constantly. one day we stopped at taco bell for a quick lunch in between errands. it was very busy, with a full dining room. while enjoying my taco, i smelled something funny, so, of course, i checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. then, i realized that danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so i asked him if he needed to go, and he said "no". i kept thinking, "oh lord, that child has had an accident, and i don't have any clothes with me." then i said, "danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "no," he replied.
i just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. soooooo, i asked one more time, "danny, did you have an accident?" this time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "see mom, it's just farts!!" while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
an old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
last testimony:
this had most of the state of michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. what happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
we had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "so bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Video:
words for next year's dictionary
af·ghan·i·stan af-gyan-is-tan noun.
a landlocked country of southwest-central asia. since ancient times the region has been crisscrossed by invaders, including persians, macedonians, arabs, turks, and mongols. afghan tribes united in the 18th century under a single leadership, but a fully independent state did not emerge until 1919. kabul is the capital and the largest city. population: 0. major feature; only country on earth, without electricity, whose glow can be seen from the moon. {see; bin laden}
ar·a·bic a-rah-bic adj.
of or relating to arabia, the arabs, their language, or their culture. n. (dead language) a semitic language consisting of numerous dialects that was the principal language of arabia, jordan, syria, iraq, lebanon, egypt, and parts of northern africa. fell out of usage after september 2001. being replaced by hebrew and english. (see bin laden, u.s. marine corps, shiite)
bin' lad·en bin law-din
a past tense of lade { v. intr.to ladle a liquid. }
introduced into us southern slang, as in "bin' fish'in", and "bin' hunt'in"; to squash something so completely that only an oily stain remains.
usage: "that poor critter sure got bin laden by those trucks as it tried to cross the interstate." brought into common usage by the returning elements of the us marine corps. {see; shiite, trident mark 47 thermonuclear warhead, irate, afghanistan)
ji·had also je·had gee-hawd noun
a muslim holy war or spiritual struggle against infidels. origin: most likely came into language, through repetition of usage, as a corruption of the english slang term
yea-ha yee-ha
{ yea (y) n. { ha1 also hah (hä) interj. used to express surprise, wonder, triumph, puzzlement, or pique. an affirmative statement or vote} and as overheard used by numerous american fighter bomber pilots and tank crews, or as a crossover term when real-life mimics art and the movies, sic. as uttered by slim pickens, in the final scenes of doctor strangelove.
hi·jab hi-jab noun.
the headscarf worn by muslim women, sometimes including a veil that covers the face except for the eyes. mainly used today to mask the morning of the loss of fathers, brothers, husbands and children, and to hide flash and radiation burns, or to act a a filter for low levels of fallout.
ir·ate eye-rate noun.
the new country formed out of 95% of the land mass of iran and iraq. the remaining 5% can be found settling as a fine white ash downwind over the himalayan mountain range. (see; u.s. marine corps, trident mark 47 thermonuclear warhead, shiite, bin laden, yea-ha)
shi·ite also shi·‘ite shee-ite noun.
a member of the extinct branch of islam that regarded ali and his descendants as the legitimate successors to mohammed and rejects the first three caliphs.
adj. associative name; a mispronouncing of a southern version of an american expletive { shit (shit) vulgar slang interj. used to express surprise, anger, or extreme displeasure}, often spoken as the last word of members of this extinct sect as they saw the trident mark 47 warhead re-entry contrails overhead. origin: lost in the past. {see; bin laden, yea-ha}
