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the following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children`s absences from school. - my son is under the doctor`s care and should not take p.e. today. please execute him. - please excuse mary for being absent. she was sick and i had her shot. - please eckuse john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. - please excuse gloria from jim today. she is administrating. - please excuse roland from p.e. for a few day. yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. - john has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. - carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part. - mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
this guy makes funny excuses so he don't have to wear a condom.
there's always that one person that calls you who just keeps talking… and talking … and talking. you want to figure out a way to get out of the conversation, but your damned manners keep you from just hanging up in the middle of his longwinded story about his hard time getting an oil change. what you need, my meek friend, is an excuse box. playing a number of sound effects designed to get you off the phone asap, it'll make your office sound like there's construction going on, like there's a thunderstorm approaching, or there's someone rotating your tires under your desk. just hold it up to the phone and shout over it and it'll be nobody's fault that you've gotta run. source scifi.com
i'm also "big boned"
adam from toronto asks the ninja if he wants to come over to watch some merchant ivory films.
five parents who asked to transfer their children out of batavia high school classes with a transsexual teacher have been denied, according to city schools superintendent richard stutzman.
the written requests did not meet the guidelines set out by the district, stutzman said tuesday without providing specifics.
other students were allowed to adjust their schedules because their requests were based on changes in their academic programs, stutzman said.
full story
a police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. he goes up to the guy`s window and says "sir, i need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." the man says, "sorry officer i can`t do that. i am an asthmatic. if i do that i`ll have a really bad asthma attack." "okay, fine. i need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "i can`t do that either. i am a hemophiliac. if i do that, i`ll bleed to death." "well, then we need a urine sample." "i`m sorry officer i can`t do that either. i am also a diabetic. if i do that i`ll get really low blood sugar." "alright then i need you to come out here and walk this white line." "i can`t do that, officer." "why not?" "because i`m too drunk to do that."
perfect for the work place.
how can you argue with this logic?
to save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. the list below covers most situations. 1. that's the way we've always done it. 2. i didn't know you were in a hurry for it 3. that's not in my department. 4. no one told me to go ahead. 5. i'm waiting for an ok. 6. how did i know this was different? 7. that is his job, not mine. 8. wait till the boss comes back and ask him. 9. i forgot. 10. i didn't think it was very important. 11. i'm so busy, that i just can't get around to it. 12. i thought i told you!a
to save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. the list below covers most situations. 1. that's the way we've always done it. 2. i didn't know you were in a hurry for it 3. that's not in my department. 4. no one told me to go ahead. 5. i'm waiting for an ok. 6. how did i know this was different? 7. that is his job, not mine. 8. wait till the boss comes back and ask him. 9. i forgot. 10. i didn't think it was very important. 11. i'm so busy, that i just can't get around to it. 12. i thought i told you!
1. i set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving sunday (right up until the explosion). i was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up times. accordingly, i will be in late, or early. 2. i am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the safeway. 3. yes, i seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them broncos, huh? so, i won't be able to, yes, could i help you? no, no, i'll be sticking with sprint, but thank you for calling. 4. i just found out that i was switched at birth. legally, i shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 5. my stigmata is acting up. 6. i can't come in to work today because i will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. ok? 7. i have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but i know we have that deadline to meet.
i was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. do you discriminate against people who practice yoga? darn! why did you interrupt me? i had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. the coffee machine is broken. someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. boy, that cold medicine i took last night just won't wear off. ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! i wasn't sleeping. i was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands. the mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so i was playing dead to avoid getting shot. geez, i thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
just as a boss is about lay off an employee a computer virus wreaks havoc on his office
judge: "is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?" juror: "i don't want to be away from my job for that long." judge: "can't they do without you at work?" juror: "yes, but i don't want them to know that."
this policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "i was only going 40!" the driver protested. "not according to my radar," the officer replied. "yes, i was!" the man shouted back. "no you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. with that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "officer, i should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
the smiley face might possibly saved his ass. maybe not...
wtf are you doing?
another hilarious top ten from late show with david letterman.
do you mind if i take these off.
my shower broke can i use yours?
a scout leader who spent four years sexually assaulting a boy in care has told a court his mistake was "caring too much" for his troop. the prospect man, who cannot be named, today portrayed himself as a decent man who "overstepped the mark" and allowed his "fondness" to lead to abuse. the 62-year-old faced the district court today for sentencing submissions after a jury found him guilty of three counts of indecent assault and one count of gross indecency. the offenses occurred at payneham south, morgan and cockatoo valley between may 1985 and may 1989. the jury heard the four charges were only representative of the man's four-year relationship with the boy, which involved multiple sex acts per day. on one occasion, the man placed a rubber band around the boy's genitals to cause them to swell and "look bigger". today, defense lawyer grant algie said his client was well recognized as a caring and devoted person with great dedication and community spirit. "you may well ask how it is a man like this comes to commit these sorts of offenses," he said. "one might consider they occurred in the nature of him being a man who was too sensitive, too caring, and allowed that sense of caring and fondness to overstep the mark. "that would be a more benevolent approach rather than looking at him as a sexual predator." his submission did not sit well with judge paul rice. "one is more able to understand an isolated lapse in judgment than an ongoing course of conduct over some years," he said. jayanthi mcgrath, prosecuting, said the man's crimes were too serious for anything other than an immediate term of imprisonment. judge rice remanded the man in custody for sentencing next month. source
i'm not buying it!
