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you can't say sh*t today. that's the f*cking problem.
in the united states, we have sensational cuss words -- slang dictionaries full of them -- but most of us are too fearful to use them. as psychologist dr. herman fugmunker noted, "it's dangerous to say '&*@# off' to a truck driver. five days in intensive care convinced me of that."
but help is on the way. fugmunker did extensive research for his latest book, cuss your head off, and came up with six new curse words it's o.k. to shout from the rooftops, because no one has ever heard them before. they're nasty, vile and disgusting. learn 'em and use 'em. you'll let off steam and that @#$%head you're cussing out won't know what the &*@# you're talking about.
the six new curse words are pfnark, snog, kuq, chuz, jizzlewax and zighumple. they can be used alone or combined (to form compound curses); when you're mad or when you're happy; as adjectives, verbs, nouns and, especially, interjections. pfnarkin' a!
speaking of the word "pfnark," fugmunker traces its derivation to the sleepy coal-mining town of winsley, wyo., where dalwood comstock fell down a murky shaft and screamed, "holy pfnark! somebody help me!"
comstock was probably trying to say "holy &*@#," but due to his speech impediment and a mouthful of coal, it came out "pfnark."
fugmunker gives examples of how the word can be used. "pfnark off, pigeon head!" "go pfnark yourself!" and, "you're a pfnarkin' loser!"
the next word in fugmunker's book is "snog," which sounds a mite dirty because it resembles "smog."
changing the "m" to an "n" makes all the difference in the world, according to fugmunker. "if you scold someone in an irritated voice by saying, 'don't be such a snog!' the individual will cringe with embarrassment, for no one wants to be called a 'snog.' it sounds disgusting."
colorful variations of the word include "snogpuss," "snog off" and "snoggle," as in "snoggle this, you bastard!" and if you want to hit someone with a double whammy, you can say, "snoggle this, you pfnarkin' bastard!" of course, most people understand the word "bastard," so be prepared to put up your dukes or run like hell. and if you choose the latter, you can always get the last word in by shouting, "kiss my pfnarkin' snog!"
"kuq" (pronounced kook) was first heard by fugmunker in a sleazy el paso, texas, bar. "this drunken cowboy walked in and said, 'what lily-livered kuq stole my woman?' when no one responded, the cowboy added, 'well, whoever it was, i want to thank you, 'cause she was an obnoxious chuz.' " this brings us to the next word: chuz. it can be used to describe a man or a woman, and it's quite unflattering. "picture a bowl of clumped kitty litter, chunky spoiled milk and rotten chopped liver, and that's what 'chuz' looks like," fugmunker explained. "so to call someone a 'chuzzbucket' or a 'chuzball' is the ultimate insult."
the penultimate word on the list is "jizzlewax." it conveys utter angst, as in "i'm totally jizzlewaxed. i'd squash my head in a vice if i had one!" it's another way of saying, "i'm totally &*@#ed up," without getting your mouth washed out with soap.
last on the list, is "zighumple," which actually is more fun to do than to say, because when you're "getting a zighumple," you're partying, baby.
i'll stick to swear words that offend.
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