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stephen fry: welcome to qi, the closest modern equivalent to lions versus christians.
stephen fry: how do otters kill crocodiles?
rob brydon: softly with their songs.
stephen fry: what is attractive about the costa rican army?
jo brand: they have a pulse.
[during a discussion on the future of aviation, stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
stephen fry: the job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. the job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.
[advice on airline food]
stephen fry: anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.
stephen fry: [quoting boxer alan minter] sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.
stephen fry: [quoting albert einstein] only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and i'm not so sure about the universe.
stephen fry: if ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?
[the contestants are discussing elephants]
alan davies: do they take it down the trunk?
clive anderson: after a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.
clive anderson: i'm fascinated that hair grows after death, i'm looking forward to that.
sean lock: banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
stephen fry: [looking off-stage] nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
stephen fry: if a lion mates with a tiger, you get a...?
alan davies: scandal.
rich hall: [after being informed that earth has a second moon called "cruithne"] so why is there not one romantic song with the word cruithne in it? blue cruithne of kentucky? or cruithne river? or...
alan davies: no one can see it, it's miles away.
stephen fry: because it was discovered in
[shouts]
stephen fry: nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
stephen fry: welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.
stephen fry: have you met any american jeremy?
jeremy clarkson: no, it's too complicated - three syllables.
jeremy clarkson: [recounting a trip to amsterdam] i walked into a brothel on saturday.
stephen fry: you heard it here first, folks.
jeremy clarkson: it was like a motorway services station toilet.
alan davies: that must have been a welcome break.
stephen fry: what's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
rich hall: the pentagon.
stephen fry: [signing off] and as they say in ireland, may you get to heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead.
stephen fry: this is turning into the most appaling primary school nonsense.
sean lock: this is like the early learning centre.
[stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]
stephen fry: there was nothing unusual about the birth.
[points to alan]
stephen fry: we just wanted laughing boy to fall into our cunning trap.
stephen fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] if i had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist] what have i got?
alan davies: two moth balls?
stephen fry: no, a very excited moth.
rich hall: doctors use acronyms, such as gomer - get out of my emergency room, or sara - sexual activity related accident.
stephen fry: there is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is nfn - normal for norfolk.
stephen fry: why is a marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
alan davies: i feel a trap coming on.
rich hall: you can develop film in the lee river, but you can't kayak in it.
stephen fry: what is the commonest material in the world?
clive anderson: jim davidson.
stephen fry: welcome to qi, the show that rhymes with stephen fry.
alan davies: i am *not* as stupid as you think!
stephen fry: no, you're not, you couldn't be.
stephen fry: what's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
stephen fry: "the financial times'" crossword.
stephen fry: [during an odd one out question] none of them is the odd one out is the answer. do you know why?
phill jupitus: what kind of a hellish quiz is this?
stephen fry: fair point.
phill jupitus: "what one's the odd one out? none of them. baah, bah, bah, bah."
stephen fry: hey. is that me?
phill jupitus: that's you.
stephen fry: oh bugger you. i don't sound like that. baah, bah, bah.
stephen fry: [after stating the thomas eddison invented the word hello] the word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "hullo, what have we got here?" "hullo, what's this?" we still use it in that sense.
bill bailey: do we?
stephen fry: "hullo, what's that?" ... don't we, bill?
bill bailey: yes. yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. i often go to my fridge, "hullo, we're out of milk. i say mother, where's the milk?"
stephen fry: you beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.
stephen fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of nuremberg, germany] now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive christmases?
sean lock: war criminals.
sean lock: the american cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
stephen fry: do you know why that is?
sean lock: because they're shit.
